guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
