Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
