There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
