Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
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she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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