I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
