hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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