So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
bring money and cleavage
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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