It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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