Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
