I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
