this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
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I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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