My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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