Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
