Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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