i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
