I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
