On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
