she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
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I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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