it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
