I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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