I wanna bring you to show and tell
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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