Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
