so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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