So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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