I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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