We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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