just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
