The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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