I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
