i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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