My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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