We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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