I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
