So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
