If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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