Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
