Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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