If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
