I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
