How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
