just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
