Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
