sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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