The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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