I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
