she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
