He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
