My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
