I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
