I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize