girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I checked into jail on foursquare
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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